Tuesday, June 29, 2010

TRUNT #3! or Goodbye H8TR











So I suppose I should give a short account of the proceedings- Zack, Colin, Lylez and myself took off from Cognition World Headquarters on Saturday at noon and following a crudely drawn map made our way to the Southwest Bike Corridor where our first stop was in that swampy mosquito haven behind the cemetery and golf course on Something Something Speedway or whatever it's called. There, Trunter of honour Lylez found treasure of a mysterious nature! Then it was on to Pirate's Peak where were set upon by more mosquitoes and had the our first siting of the undercover narc posing as a a not quite convincing undercover narc. I think he may have been trying to bust a meth ring at the Dry Bean but we probably looked like easier pickings. All Saturday morning while planting treasure I kept running into old people who probably thought I was doing a drug drop. After finding a Benny Hill VHS tape, bottle rockets and porn buttons we received a message that there were miners trapped in a cave and that we were the only ones who could rescue them so we were off. But first we had to find treasure at the stagnant holding pond down the road from Pirate's Peak. We found berries!!!! Zack was pleased! Jah had provided! The next clue sent us across the highway to the quarry where Lylez found an ammo box full of Red Lantern Lightning Firecracker (300ct). At the quarry we were flayed by thorns, forded small streams and went all aggro on the gnarl. Yeah! We doubled back on the "Gimme Yer Goddamn Money Nature Lover" Bike Path and made a quick stop at the PDQ where Zack got a Mexican pop sickle (made in the USA), Colin dropped his banana, Lylez probably got blisters and I got two cookies (thanks Lylez).

Then we went to the H8TR trail and hate was all any of us could feel once we saw what the Nom Nom Nom machines had done to our beloved playground. Fuck, all I could think of was a napalm strike in Nam. Nary a tall grass, flower, sapling, branch or brush left standing. The standing water we rode through was actually verging on hot which made this once paradise feel even more hellish. I'm all for progress and forwarding cycling but this was evil, thoughtless and soul crushing. I did find it something of a tribute to all of us that they actually put up barricades that said "Bike Path Closed" because I doubt any of the "normal" folk who ride Seminole in the Saturday/Sunday Pelloton ever thought about riding the H8TR. Every once in a while small swatches of the sweet well worn in cinder and dirt single track would emerge from the downed foliage and tractor tire tracks and for that 10 or 20 feet it felt like you were flying and it was all okay but then soon enough you'd hit a washboard of Bobcat tracks and brush and you'd be back to slogging you way through. Once we got past Cty M we found mining equipment hidden under the bridge. We took a short break while contemplating dehydration and while Colin's back unknotted. On that small bridge there was a small remaining bit of overgrowth that sheltered us fro m the direct sun and reminded us of times past on the untouched H8TR. But word came soon that the miners were really in trouble and needed our help desperately. We got to Juggelo Parkway Bridge and Lyle using keen sense of deduction found the miners but alas they were cold so all we could do was drink their remains and then seal the cave with explosives procured at the quarry.

Then we heard that there were older seasoned miners that had somehow gotten themselves trapped under a train trestle by the In-Seyne Clown Highway so we were off again back down the H8TR. Just as we got to the Cty M bridge that had given us refuge jsut a while before, Lylez got a flat and again we hid under the overhanging branches of Haterly love. Thank you H8TR Trail. Tire fixed we headed into a suburban hellish nightmarescape with buildings and houses built in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason other than it was probably nice farm land or wetlands at one point or another. Mr. and Mrs. John Q. Public are fuckwits and dupes and deserve their mortgages and hateful children. We found a nice abandoned railroad with a gravel road running beside it, that were it 10 miles longer might serve as a pale pale replacement for the H8TR but as it was it was stuck at the fringe of the surburban hellmare and was maybe a mile long so sorry no soap on this one. But we did find the miners and more berries! These miners were cold as well so down the hatch miners!.

Then we took the Cap City trail home, beaten, scarred, dehydrated and more than a little sad that the H8TR is now just a memory, a few pictures, some video and a lot of good stories and myths.
Good Night sweet H8TR Trail.
The trunt will go on though.

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just hatin'